2004 Movie Outtakes
by Googleeyes
Summary: Made up bloopers for the 2004 movie. Missing directors, missing lattes, missing characters, what else could happen? A lot. Crossovers, book characters meeting movie ones, people in red and black stretchy suits, and more! NOW COMPLETE!
1. Part 1

Phantom of the Opera Movie Bloopers

Part 1

**Okay, I know this has been done before but I really wanted to write it anyway. If I accidentally stole someone's idea, sorry. just tell me and I'll take out/apologize if I can't figure out how to delete something already posted. **

**Just a note, the misspelled words when Carlotta talks are me trying to imitate her accent and I do know the phantom's name is Erik. I call him Phantom because he doesn't have a name in the movie and I'll need his name in part 2. The italicized words in the parentheses are stage directions. The normal words in parenthses are describing the charatrs' voices.**

** Wow, this is longer than I expected. Well, on with the story!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing! Don't sue me! I'm innocent! I didn't do it!**

Notes

Carlotta: You deedn't send thees?

Raoul: Of course not! (_Attempts to do an overcomplicated dance move accentuating his words. Trips over his own feet and stumbles into Carlotta._)

Carlotta: Get off me you leetle toad!

Raoul: (_Blushes_) S-sorry. I didn't mean to.

Carlotta: (_Pouts_) You ruined mah favoreete dress!

Andre: I thought Christine was the toad.

Carlotta: Shut up or I weel really leave! No song weel conveence me to come back!

Andre: (_shuts up_)

Firmin: Can we just restart the scene? I want to do my totally awesome song again.

Director (Random guy substituting for Joel Schumacher, who is on a coffee break): Take two!

Think of Me (Carlotta Version) 

Carlotta: And when you find that once again you long to take your heart back and be free-

Phantom: (_Slips from rafters and falls on top of Carlotta_)

Carlotta: I thought I was supposed to be heet by scenery, not a phantom!

Phantom: (Whining) I slipped. These gloves are so hard to work with. They're too slippery. Do I have to wear them?

Disembodied voice from offstage: Yes!

Phantom: Fine! (_Grumbles and climbs back up to rafters._)

Angel of Music 

Meg: Where in the world have you been hiding? Really you were perfect. I only wish I knew- (_Suddenly cut off_)

Christine: Meg? (_Turns around to see Meg slowly dematerializing_) Meg! Meg!

Joel Schumacher: Cut! Cut! Where did Meg go?

(_All cast and crew present begin searching_)

Christine: Me-eg! Me-eg! Where aaare you? Olly olly oxenfree!

(_Meg and a bald guy in a red and black stretchy suit suddenly materialize in the middle of the room_)

Meg: Hi everyone! I'm back! This guy just made a mistake!

Bald Guy: (With a British accent) So sorry. We accidentally beamed up the wrong person.

(_Another guy in a black and red stretchy suit appears. He has thick brown hair and a matching beard._)

Beard Guy: Captain, you're needed back aboard the ship. It appears the Romulans have decided to attack. Once you've dropped off that blonde girl-

Bald Guy: Already done, number one.

Meg: Hey, you rhymed!

Christine: Yeah! You're a poet and you didn't even know it!

(_Both girls burst into giggles as the strange men roll their eyes_)

Beard Guy: Two to beam up!

(_Both stretchy suit guys slowly disappear as everyone watches in astonishment._)

J.S.: All right everyone, back to work!

(_Christine and Meg are still too dumbfounded to do anything. Both suddenly faint._)

J.S.: (_Sighs_) I'll need several buckets of cold water and a wheelbarrow.

Prologue

Auctioneer: Lot 665, a papier-mâché monkey in Persian robes-

Madame Giry: Excuse me, why is the Vicomte so much older when I haven't aged a day. This is obviously me as Meg would never resemble me exactly, even though she is my daughter.

Auctioneer: (_sigh_) Who cares? Can we just get back to the scene?

Madame Giry: No we cannot! I want an answer! This question has been plaguing me since the day we began rehearsing this scene.

Auctioneer: Wow, a whole three days.

Madame Giry: (_Ignores him_) Well, I'd like an answer.

Raoul: (Offstage) Yeah, why am I so old and decrepit?

Phantom (Also offstage): (Sarcastically)Decrepit; impressive vocabulary, Vicomte. Who knew you could speak at a level higher than the average three-year-old.

Auctioneer: Oh, shut up! Let's just get back to the scene.

J.S.: Take three!

All I Ask of You 

Raoul: Let me be your freedom. Let daylight dry your fears-

Homeless guy who has been through "Directing 101: Shortened Edition" and has now kidnapped Joel Schumacher to make his name known and earn money: It's tears, not fears!

Raoul: (_squirms uneasily_) Sorry! These words are just so hard! They all sound like each other and I can't keep them apart. I don't know where I'm supposed to put the different ones.

Phantom: (_Strides into view from his hiding place behind the statue_) Is da poor, wittle pansy confoosed?

Raoul: I am not a pansy!

Phantom: Are too!

Raoul: Am not!

Phantom: Are too!

(_Stick their tongues out at each other._)

Christine: I don't know what I saw in either of you. You're so childish and immature. (_Grabs travel coffee cup from collapsible table. Shakes it._) Where is my latte? My latte is gone! I told you idiots to refill it when I finished it! I cannot work without my latte! If I don't get a latte right now, I'm leaving! I want my latte now!

H.G.: (_Looks around at Christine throwing a tantrum, Raoul and Phantom having a staring contest, and the crew wandering about aimlessly. Sighs._) Everyone! Stop acting like children and let's get back to the scene. We're on a time limit here! We don't have forever! Oh, what am I saying? I don't even have to be doing this. I'm gonna go find some film more likely to be successful. Goodbye losers! (_Walks away, leaving scene in chaos_)

**Three hours later**

(_Joel Schumacher has returned and told director abduction story._)

J.S.: And that's how I escaped from the evil closet of doom. Now, let's get back to the scene.

Christine: (Whispering) I can't. I screamed so much I lost my voice.

(_J.S. groans and looks around_)

Raoul: I can do it once I have enough moisture in my eyes to blink.

J.S.: Good enough for me! We can just have Raoul sing! Take… what take were we on again?

Disembodied voice: 56!

J.S.: Right, I knew that. Take 56!

**Part 2 is more bloopers, with a few additional characters. R&R! Thanks for reading!**


	2. Part 2

**Yay! I got reviews! Yay! To show how much I love my reviwers, I'll answer their questions and stuff. And give them brownies.**

**phantomlvr- I'm glad you liked it so much! **

**Phantom Creedy Lover- Yes! Good job! The part with the stretchy suit people was a Star Trek reference. Star Trek: TNG, actually. It was Picard and Riker.**

**Luckii Jinx- There will probably be about 3-5 parts. This story will be longer if you give me ideas for future bloopers. **

**This part is mainly Phantom, Raoul, and Christine. The other characters will be back in part 3. For reference, LRaoul is Leroux Raoul, LChristine is Leroux Christine, and Erik is Erik from the book.** **Beware: Bashing Ahead!

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**

Part 2

Music of the Night

Phantom: … and listen to the music of the night!

Male voice from offstage: Stop! Please stop! What is this wretched noise? Is someone slaughtering a small animal?

Female voice: Oh no! Is it a bunny rabbit? I don't want the poor bunny to die!

Other male voice: Don't worry dear, I'm sure the innocent bunny is fine. Just like you!

FM: Aw, you're so sweet Raoul.

(_Raoul hears his name and rushes up from the doughnut table_)

Raoul: You called, Christine?

Christine: I didn't call you.

Raoul: What? I heard someone say my name.

(_Three figures walk up. One is a blonde-haired and blue-eyed young woman._ (LChristine)_ She is holding the arm of a blonde-haired, blue-eyed man with a fair complexion and small mustache._ (LRaoul)_ Following them is an ominous looking figure dressed in evening wear and a black fedora._ (Erik)_ His face is covered by a black silk mask._)

LChristine: Where's the bunny? I want to see the bunny! (_Looks around for bunny_)

Christine: (_Looks her over. Also eyes LRaoul ad Erik) _There is no bunny.

LChristine: Really? (_Looks disappointed_) But Raoul said there was. Didn't you Raoul?

Raoul: No! I never said anything about bunnies!

LRaoul (at same time as Raoul): Sweetie, I just said that the rabbit would be fine if there was one.

LChristine: Really?

Phantom: Who are you people? Why are you interrupting our scene?

LRaoul: Scene? (_Looks around at movie equipment and crew members confusedly_)

Christine: Yes! We're filming a movie! It's called Phantom of the Opera! Isn't that great?

LChristine: What's a movie?

Christine: It's like a book brought to life.

Phantom: Once again, who are you people?

Erik: (_ignores him_) This…thing is called what? The Phantom of the Opera? But I'm the Phantom! The Opera Ghost! The Angel of Music! Trap-door lover! The Living Corpse! Erik!

Phantom: What? No you're not! I am! I'm all of those things, except the last three. Living Corpse? Ew.

Erik: You mean to tell me that you are the Phantom of the Opera? That is not possible. To start with, you barely have a mask. You obviously have had different experiences than I have since several of my nicknames do not apply to you. What kind of Phantom are you? Were you even in a gypsy fair? Were you not called the Living Corpse? Did you not go to Persia? Is your name not Erik?

Phantom: Why wouldn't I wear this mask? I don't need a bigger one. Of course I was in gypsy fair, unfortunately. I was called the Devil's Child. I was rescued by-

Raoul: Oh, shut up already! We all know your life story. Can we move on?

Erik: I don't mind you getting back to your movie as long as he (_gestures to Phantom_) either leans to sing better or stops singing.

Phantom: (_Grumbles inaudibly under his breath_)

LChristine: I want to see how this living book thing works.

Christine: Oh, it's really neat. I'll show you in a minute.

LChristine: Yay!

J.S.: Alright, take 5!

Random voice offstage: It's 3!

J.S.: Right. Take 3!

Final Lair Scene

Phantom: (_Strangling Raoul_) Order your fine horses now! Raise up your hand to the level of your eyes! Nothing can save you now, except perhaps Christine!

Erik: Stop, stop!

Phantom: (_Rolls eyes_) What is it now? I'm not doing anything wrong.

Erik: As much as I would like it, the fop is not supposed to die.

Phantom: He's not going to die! Didn't you read the script?

Erik: There's a script?

Everyone: YES!

Erik: Oops. Sorry.

Raoul: (_Slumps over underneath Punjab lasso_)

Phantom: (_Releases lasso_)

Raoul: (_Falls over in motionless heap on ground_)

Phantom: (To Erik) Great, you made me kill him!

LRaoul: I'm dead? NOOOOO! I'm too young and handsome to die! I don't want to die! (_Hunches over and begins rocking back and forth while sucking thumb and whimpering_)

Everyone: (_Stares_)

Raoul: (_Shifts on floor then gets up_) Why is everyone staring at him? Wait, why is he freaking out like that?

LChristine: Because you're dead.

Raoul: I'm dead?

LChristine: Yeah. The hot Phantom killed you with his lasso when he was talking to Erik. Wait a minute, if you're dead, how am I talking to you?

Raoul: I'm not dead! He knocked me out by cutting off my oxygen, but he didn't kill me. I think.

LRaoul: (_Gets up off floor and turns around_) I'm not dead? Hallelujah! I'm not dead! I'm not dead! I'm alive! I live! (_Starts running around in circles and doing happy dance while singing "I'm not dead" as loudly as possible_)

Everyone: (_Stares. Again._)

Phantom: Okay.

Raoul: Am I really that stupid?

Christine: Do you want an honest answer?

Raoul: Oh.

Swordfight

Raoul (_Riding on horse_): Christine, no! Whatever this thing is, he's not your father! (_Gets off horse and runs up to mausoleum. Takes out sword. Looks around expectantly. Waits._) Where is he?

LRaoul: What's supposed to happen?

Raoul: The Phantom is supposed to jump down from the roof and then we swordfight.

LRaoul: Who wins?

Raoul: I do!

LRaoul: Yay! (_Grabs Raoul's hands and happydances with him_)

LChristine: (Ignoring two dancing fops) Where's the hot Phantom?

(_Talking is heard from behind the mausoleum. Everyone looks behind it. Both Phantoms are sitting and talking in a hot tub._)

Phantom: What? Why are you all staring at me like that? Was I supposed to do something?

Raoul: Yes! We were supposed to swordfight!

Phantom: Whoops, my bad. I'll be ready in a minute. (_Gets out of hot tub. Everyone can see his short yellow and pink polka-dotted swim trunks. He looks down and blushes, then grabs a towel and tries to cover the swim shorts._) Can you leave while I get ready?

Christine: Ew. I'm glad I went with Raoul.

Raoul: (Out of breath from happydancing) Yeah…I know. My swim trunks… aren't nearly… that short. Or that pink. They're much purpler.

LChristine: (To LRaoul) Do you have purple swim trunks?

LRaoul: Of course not. Mine are light blue.

LChristine: Yay! I like light blue!

Phantom: I'm ready now! Can we get back to the scene?

J.S.: Yes! Take 2! (_Nothing happens_) Hello, take 2! (_Looks around. Everyone except Phantom has climbed into the hot tub._) People! Get out of the hot tub and back to the scene!

Christine: Aww! But it's so warm and bubbly!

LRaoul: (_Blushes_) Sorry, the bubbles were me.

Everyone else: EWWWWW! (_Jump out of hot tub and stand, shivering and dripping, as far away from it as possible_)

LRaoul: Come back! I said I was sorry!

Raoul: (_Shudders_) Can we do that scene now?

J.S.: Finally! Take 2!

The Point of No Return

Phantom: (_Walks onstage singing and takes off his cape, revealing his ultra-tight pants_)

LChristine: Ooh, you're even hotter in those pants!

J.S.: (_Groans_) Quiet on the set!

LChristine: Oops, I forgot that rule.

J.S.: Well, remember it. Take 34!

Phantom: Past the point of no return. The final threshold- (_Suddenly stops_)

J.S.: What is it now?

Phantom: (_Blushes_) Um, I ripped my pants.

Raoul: Again? What is this, the fifteenth time today? Not to mention all those times yesterday. And the day before that and-

Phantom: Oh shut up! No one cares!

Raoul: Well, I'm just saying, maybe if you laid off the fries and burgers a little bit-

Phantom: It's not my fault they serve them on the set!

Christine: Raoul does have a point. The costume lady almost quit yesterday because she was so sick of fixing those pants.

LChristine: Yeah, maybe you could try the next size up or something.

Phantom: No! They have to be tight!

J.S.: Fine! Get them over to the costume department then.

(_Phantom disappears and returns several minutes later in another pair of pants_)

Phantom: I'm back!

J.S.: Good. Take 34!

Erik: (_Looks over J.S.' shoulder_) I believe that's 84, not 34.

J.S.: Well I can't read your writing. If you're going to write stuff, make it neater. Take 84!

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

Christine: Wishing I could hear your voice again, knowing that I ever will.

Erik (Who has temporarily become director while J.S. relaxes in the hot tub): Cut! You're supposed to wander amongst the gravestones while you sing, not stand in one place and stare at the sky, the mausoleum, the Phantom, or whatever else happens to catch your eye.

Christine: I'm sorry. It's just so hard to sing and walk at the same time.

Erik: (_Rolls eyes and groans_) No, it's easy. Pretty boy over there will demonstrate for you.

LRaoul and Raoul: Which one?

Erik: I was talking about the Phantom imposter.

Both Raouls: Oh.

Phantom: I'm a pretty boy?

Erik: Yes! Have you seen the way my Christine drools over you? (_Looks at LChristine, who is kneeling at Phantom's feet_)

Phantom: I see what you mean. (_Wipes drool off his shoes_) All right, I'll demonstrate. (_Sings several lines of Music of the Night while walking through the graveyard._) See, it's easy.

Christine: Uh, okay. I'll try it. (_Sings Music of the Night while wandering amongst the gravestones)_ Yay! I did it!

Erik: (_Slaps forehead_) Wrong song!

Christine: Ooh, more poetry! Make up a poem!

Erik: What? I don't write poetry.

Christine: Yes you do! You rhymed!

Phantom: Whatever, can we get back to the scene? I'm bored.

LRaoul: (Very quickly) You should drink coffee! It gives you so much energy and everything's amusing! Try some! It's really good! (_Shoves coffee into Phantom's face_)

Phantom: (_Pushes coffee away_) No thanks. Look, can we just get back to the take?

Christine: Aw! I didn't even get to hear Erik's poem.

Erik: I DON"T WRITE POETRY!

Christine: (Sarcastically) Sorry, Mr. Temper Problem. Let's get back to the take then. Wait a minute, what song was I supposed to sing again?

Everyone: Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again!

Raoul: Duh! It's the name of the blooper!

Christine: Really? (_Looks up at big title suspended from the ceiling_) Oh. All right then.

Erik: Take… (_Looks down at notepad_) er, I can't seem to read my handwriting. Does anyone know what take we're on?

LRaoul: Coffee! We're on take coffee! I want more coffee! Give me more coffee! (_Runs off to get more coffee_)

Erik: Anyone else know what take we're on?

LChristine: Well, we were on take 4 when I started drooling on the hot Phantom's shoes, so I think it's take 23.

Erik: I'll go with that. Take 23!

Why Have You Brought Me Here?

Raoul: Why have you brought me here? We must return.

Christine: His eyes will find us there, those eyes that burn. If he has to kill a thousand men-

(_Tune of Oops I Did It Again suddenly plays out_)

Raoul: Sorry. I've got a call. (_Answers cell phone_) Hello?...Oh, hi! … What? …no, of course not! Why would I order 27 pairs of pink Converse?... Really? What size are they again?... Yeah, that's my size. But that doesn't mean I ordered them. .. They're on sale?... They're free? I'll take them! I was thinking my wardrobe could use some pink. Thanks. Bye. (_Hangs up_) Cool!

LRaoul: What? Did you just get coffee?

Raoul: No! I got 27 pairs of pink Converse! Apparently someone ordered them for me and they were on sale. A 100 off sale!

Christine: Cool! I want a pair! What size are they?

Raoul: 12 in men's.

Christine: Aw! That's not my size. Do you have any in women's 6?

Raoul: Sorry.

LChristine: What about women's 6 ½?

Raoul: Nope.

Both Christines: Awww!

J.S.: (_Walks in wearing a dark blue robe_) I'm back! How has everything gone?

Erik: (_Shoves hat saying "Director" into J.S.' hands_) Horrible! Christine can't sing and walk at the same time, my fop is addicted to coffee, and your fop just received 27 pairs of pink Converse. Please take over! I quit! Oh, and I can't read my handwriting either. I see what you mean about that. (_Walks off_)

LChristine: Erik! Wait! I decided I like you better than the hot phantom! You can sing better!

Phantom: Hey!

LChristine: Don't leave Erik! I love you! (_Runs after him_)

LRaoul: You love _him_? What about me? Christine, don't abandon me! I'll give up coffee for you! Come back! (_Follows the other two_)

Raoul: We finally got rid of them! I'm happy. That other Raoul was starting to make me look bad.

Phantom: It's not exactly hard you know.

Raoul: (_Sticks nose up in air and struts off, ignoring the comment_) I'm going to go get my Converse now.

J.S.: But what about the scene?

Raoul: (Distantly) I don't care!

J.S.: (_Groans_) (Muttering) I can see why he left.

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**Review and I will love you forever! Like I love my current reviwers. _Runs up and glomps reviewers_ Bye! For now!**


	3. Part 3

**Hi, I'm back! I'm not dead! I live! Yeah. Sorry I haven't updated in like a week. I was busy with school and stuff. Oh, and reading your stories: ) I had a lot of extra time to write this over the weekend, so it's pretty long. That's about it. **

**Oh, wait, I got the OLC Soundtrack today! Yay!! I've listened to it about five or six times today, and I'm listening to it right** **now! Yay! Also, I love my reviwers, so please review so I can love you too. Spread the love!**

**Disclaimer: Why on Earth would you even think that I owned POTO? I only own the 2004 DVD, 2004 2 disc soundtrack, original book, original broadway cast recording (Yay!), and an obsession.**

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Part 3

Prima Donna

Andre and Firmin: Prima donna, first lady of the stage your devotees are-

Multiple voices outside (chanting): We want in! We want in! Let us in!

Joel Schumacher: Cut, cut! What's going on out there?

Assistant: (_runs up to J.S._) A whole crowd of people showed up and started protesting. They're trying to say they belong in the movie.

J.S.: What?

Assistant: We have protesters.

J.S.: Well what are they protesting about?

Assistant: They want to be in the movie.

J.S.: Why?

Assistant (impatiently): I don't know. Why don't you ask them?

J.S.: All right, I will. (_Goes outside and interrupts protesters_) What are you protesting about?

Man: We feel left out. We need to be in the movie.

J.S.: Why?

Woman: We're sick of being forgotten about. Just because we're not major characters we shouldn't be dumped like a sack of potatoes.

J.S.: Who are you people?

Man: We're the forgotten characters of the original book. I'm Comte Philippe de Chagny, Raoul's older brother.

Woman: I'm Mamma Valerius, Christine's guardian.

Thin woman: Before I introduce myself, I'd like to say that I'm very unhappy that Carlotta gets to be included in this movie when I'm left out. I'm Sorelli, prima ballerina.

Short girl: I'm Jammes, very talented ballerina.

Man in weird hat: I'm the Persian daroga, Erik's … I know him, okay? I'm not quite sure what my relationship with him is.

J.S.: That's all good and lovely, but why are you here.

(_Everyone else sighs_)

Daroga: How thick are you? WE WANT TO BE IN THE MOVIE! WE'RE ALWAYS IGNORED!

J.S.: (_winces_) Can you please stop talking in caps lock? It's really loud. The script's already written, but maybe you guys could be extras.

Everyone: Yeah!

J.S.: All right then, let's get back to our scene.

Prima Donna (Part 2)

Andre and Firmin: Leading ladies are a –

Angry voice: What are you doing? You are all supposed to be in my book!

Andre: Huh?

(_A fat man strides onto the set. Well, more like waddles onto the set_)

Man: I'm Gaston Leroux and I want my characters back. What will happen next? First my three main characters escape, then almost all the others disappear.

Jammes: Awww! But we were extras.

Gaston Leroux: Extra what?

Sorelli: Extra people.

GL: Oh. Well too bad. I need you to finish my story.

All: AWWW!

GL: Come on, we're going back. Jammes, your mother will kill me if she finds out I let you wander off into a different time period this late at night.

(_Jammes pouts_)

GL: Come on. (_He grows extra arms and grabs all the characters and leads them away._)

Andre: Can we finish the song now?

J.S.: Go ahead.

Andre: Yay!

Think of Me (Christine Version)

Christine: We never said our love was evergreen or as unchanging as the sea; but if you can still remember, stop and think of me. (_Suddenly stops singing and starts giggling uncontrollably._)

J.S.: What's so funny?

Christine (in between giggles): Raoul's wearing… his new… shoes. And they're PINK!

(_Everyone turns to see Raoul in his new pink converse_)

Raoul: What? Didn't you read my shirt? (_He points to his pale pink shirt which says: 'Real men wear pink'_)

Phantom: (_Bursts out laughing_) So… much…pink! (_Starts laughing harder_)

J.S.: (_ignoring all the pink and the two laughing characters_) Why aren't you in your costume?

Raoul: I thought it was time for a change. I decided to start a new trend, the Men in Pink trend.

J.S.: (_Stares for a minute, then returns to reality_) I don't care what you wear or do in your personal life, but on set you need to be in costume.

Raoul: (_Crosses his arms_) You're denying my individuality. I'm going on strike.

J.S.: You can't go on strike, you signed a contract.

Raoul: Or did I? I could have a twin brother for all you know.

J.S.: Oh, please. You don't have a twin brother.

Raoul: Or do I?

J.S.: Raoul, shut up and get in costume. I need you back on the set in five minutes. We have a lot of work to do.

Raoul: You make everyone work too long with no breaks. You need to improve that or I'll call the Union.

Phantom: (sarcastically) Yeah, we need plenty of breaks to buy all our pink merchandise from the Men in Pink.

J.S.: (_sighs_) If I give you more breaks will you get in costume?

Raoul: Maybe.

J.S.: Fine. You can have more breaks. Now get in costume.

Raoul: You should be more polite to me. Remember, I have the Union on speed dial.

Christine: Really?

Raoul: Yeah. (_Opens his phone and goes to his speed dial_)

Christine: Cool phone.

Raoul: Thanks. Let's see, mommy…daddy…yummy pizza place…Christine…doughnut shop…here it is! The Union. Number six.

J.S.: Okay, okay, I believe you. Fine. Raoul, your majesty, please changeth into thy costume…eth.

Raoul: Thank you, loyal servant, for learning how to properly address me. (_Walks off with nose stuck up in the air_)

J.S.: (muttering) Show folk.

Stranger Than You Dreamt It

Phantom: I'm mad at you! You little prying Pandora!

J.S.: Cut! That's not the way the song goes.

Phantom: I know, but I don't think children should be exposed to bad language.

J.S.: They won't be. This film is going to be rated PG-13. I showed the script to someone on the rating committee. They already rated it.

Phantom: Why PG-13? Can't we bring it down? I think we should try to get as many people as possible to see it. We worked so hard.

J.S.: Oh well. People might not take it seriously if it was rated PG. Also, we'd probably have to take out Joseph Bouquet's hanging, your unmasking, and possibly the chandelier crash.

Phantom: Wow. Those are like the main parts of the film. Though I wouldn't mind you taking out the unmasking.

J.S.: I'm not changing anything. Now, get back to your song.

Phantom: You know, I've added the Union to my speed dial.

J.S.: (_Groans_) (In a low voice) I wish no one had shown Raoul how to use a cell phone. (Normal volume) I'm sorry. Please restarteth thy sceneth, majesty.

Phantom: (_Mock bows_) As you wish, loyal servant.

J.S.: Whatever. Taketh 4-eth!

All I Ask of You Reprise

Phantom: He was bound to love you when he heard you sing. Christine…

Raoul and Christine (Offstage): Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime. Say you'll lead me from my solitude. You idiot, why are you dancing? You're not supposed to dance. I feel like dancing, okay? No, not okay. You look like a penguin. I do not! Do too! Do not! (_Suddenly scuffling sounds are heard. The cast goes backstage and see Raoul and Christine, in cat costumes, having a cat fight on the floor._)

J.S.: What are they doing?

Phantom: Where did they get those costumes?

Raoul: I do not look like a penguin when I dance!

Christine: Yes you do! You look like a drunken penguin that's trying to imitate a monkey!

Raoul: WHAT?!?!

Christine: You do!

ALW (Who has appeared from who knows where): What are you doing in the costumes from 'Cats'?

(_Both stop fighting and shrug_)

ALW: Well I want them back.

Raoul: Fine. Take them. Mine was too small anyway.

ALW: (_Examines the tag on Raoul's costume_) That's because you were wearing a girl's costume.

Raoul: (_Blushes_) Oops. That would also explain why it felt so awkward in some places.

Phantom: Well I bet it went well with your dress at home.

Raoul: No, that wore out a while ago and it wasn't leopard-print.

Phantom: Ha! I knew it! Madame Giry, you owe me.

Mme. Giry: I do not. He doesn't have it anymore. You bet me that he owned one and wore it. He can't wear it if he doesn't have it anymore.

Christine: He has a dress! He let me borrow it the other day. It's very pink and he wears it around his house sometimes.

Raoul: (_Blushes a deeper red_) I do not!

Phantom: Now you really owe me! Christine just proved it.

Mme. Giry: No she didn't.

Christine: Oh, I can prove it. I'll go get it from his dressing room. (_Runs off_)

Phantom: Get your money ready.

(_Christine returns with a lacy dress in multiple shades of pink_)

Madame Giry: Fine, fine. You can have your stupid five hundred francs.

Raoul: What? You were so sure I wore a dress you bet her five hundred francs?

Phantom: Yep.

J.S.: (_Beats the ground with Madame Giry's cane_) People, we have a scene to shoot!

Raoul: I'll only do it if Christine stops insulting me and gives me back my dress.

Christine: Here. And I promise I won't call you Penguin Man, The Incredible Talking Penguin, Penguin the Monkey Impersonator-

Raoul: I get it.

Christine: Good.

J.S.: Things all settled? Good. Take 2!

Phantom of the Opera

Christine: In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came. That voice which calls to me, and ouch!

J.S. (bored): Cut. What is it now?

Christine: The stupid gold arm hit me again. Those things are evil!

J.S.: Which arm was it?

Christine: (_Points_) That one!

J.S.: Waving Candle Arm number 14, please be more careful.

WCA14: Sorry.

Christine: Number 14? That one hit me before!

WCA14: I said I was sorry, sheesh. Give me a break.

(_Christine sticks her tongue out at the golden arm._)

Christine: Can't we add in the arms later? We could recreate them with computer animation.

WCA14: Hey! That would put me out of a job. I need money to feed my three ex-wives and seven kids.

J.S.: No, we can't take out the arms. I want everything to look as realistic as possible.

Christine: Fine, but can we replace number 14? I don't like it.

J.S.: I'm sorry, but I put in all the disembodied golden arms I could find. There aren't any replacements.

WCA14: Ha! Take that!

Christine: But surely one arm doesn't make a difference.

J.S.: Actually, there are exactly enough arms to fill each empty space. Number 14 stays. Now, back to the scene; take 44!

Christine: I need to figure out how to use speed dial.

Music of the Night

Phantom: Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendor. Grasp it, sense it, tremu- ahh!

J.S.: What?

Phantom: My cape's on fire! What do I do? Stop, drop, and roll! (_Starts stop, drop, and rolling_)

Christine: Or you could take the cape off.

Phantom: Great idea! (_Takes off his smoking cape and drops it in the lake_) There, the fire's gone.

Christine: Nice idea with the lake. That put the fire out quickly.

Phantom: What? I accidentally dropped the cape.

Christine: Oh. Well it worked. Maybe you should take out some candles. They are kind of a fire hazard.

Phantom: Take out my candles? Never! They have sentimental value to me. And I named them.

J.S.: You named your candles?

Phantom: Yes. That (_points as he talks_) is Annabelle, and that one is Faye, and the really ornate one is Christine, and the very fat one is Piangi, and the flimsy one is Carlotta, and-

Christine: Awww. You named a candle after me. That's so sweet.

J.S.: This is getting slightly disturbing. Let's get back to the song. Wait, before we do that, I'm going to call the fire department. Just in case. (_Alerts fire department to be on guard_) So, take 7!

Il Muto

(_Phantom is strangling Joseph Bouquet. Finishes and hangs him from the rafter. Suddenly the supposedly dead stagehand wiggles around_)

Bouquet: I'm thirsty. Can we take a quick break?

J.S.: Cut! Idiot! You're supposed to act dead! You're not supposed to ask for breaks!

Bouquet: Sorry. I guess even corpses get thirsty. By the way, all this being dead stuff is getting boring. It's a rather _stiff_ job.

J.S.: Shut up! I don't care about your stupid puns! Get back to being dead!

Bouquet: Not until I get my break and my drink. I can and will call the Union.

J.S.: Uggh! All this Union business is getting out of hand. I'm beginning to wonder if being inspected by the Union would be less of a hassle than all these threats. Take your break, but only for two minutes. I'm counting.

Bouquet: Thank you, loyal servant.

J.S.: I'M NOT YOUR SERVANT! Now hurry up! You only have a minute and forty seconds left.

1 min. and 40 seconds later

J.S.: Time's up! Ready or not, take 6!

Phantom of the Opera

Phantom: Sing, my angel of music!

Christine: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Phantom: Sing for me!

Christine: Aaaaa- (_suddenly stops. A small splash is heard_)

Phantom: Christine? (_Turns around and looks at her empty seat, then at the slightly bubbling water._) She fell in the lake!

Christine: (_Bobs up_) Help! I can't swim!

Raoul: (_Rushes to the lake and jumps in._) I'll save you! (_Soon starts sinking_) Oh man! I forgot, I can't swim either!

Phantom: (mumbling) Idiot.

Christine: Help!

Phantom: I'll save you! (_Dives into water. Returns soon after with Christine_) She's safe!

J.S.: What about Raoul?

Phantom: Um, well, I… kind of… left him at the bottom of the lake.

J.S.: (_groans_) I know you don't like him, but I don't like lawsuits. Save him now or I'll fire you.

Phantom: But I signed a cont-

J.S.: That contract in no way stops me from firing you. Save him now!

Phantom: Fine. (_Dives into the lake again and rescues Raoul_) Are you happy now?

J.S. Yes.

Phantom: I don't see how they could have drowned when the lake is only three feet deep. Hey, can I dry the fop off with a candle, or perhaps a _blowtorch_?!

J.S.: No! Absolutely no blowtorches! (to his assistant) Scoot Raoul off to the side, he's not in this scene anyways. Now, take 13!

Masquerade

Crowd of masqueraders: Masquerade! Paper faces on parade! Masquerade!

J.S.: Cut, cut! Okay, white and gold man 23, move a little bit to the right… no, your right. Wait, my right. Okay. Now, black and white woman 31, back up about two steps. No, two. That's not two. There, that's better. Black and gold couple 5, dance a little bit further apart. Remember, you have to sing. There, that's better. Okay take 154!

Phantom: You know, I think you're being a little bit perfectionisitic about this scene. I mean, it's been 123 takes since we had a break.

Raoul: I'm calling the-

J.S.: If anyone so much as thinks the word Union, I'll have you fired. Then I'll have you kicked out of the country and out of show business, and I'll personally murder you. Now, what were you about to say, Raoul?

Raoul: (_Gulps_) Nothing, sir. I mean your majesty.

J.S.: Good. Does anyone else have any comments?

(_Crickets chirp_)

J.S.: I want those crickets out of here! Now!

(_Assistants take out crickets_)

J.S.: TAKE 154!!!!!

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**Please review! Spread the love! Constructive criticism appreciated! Don't call the Union on me!**


	4. Part 4

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I don't really have an excuse. I don't know. I was reading other people's stories. Anyways, here it is! Part 4! Yay! Okay, even though it seems like it, this isn't the last chapter. There's one more. It's a holiday edition. You'll see what I mean. Unfortunately, it'll probably be a bit shorter. After all, there are only so many holidays.**

**Oh yeah, I changed the rating a little bit because of the way in which one of the ballet rats saw the Phantom unmasked. **

**Disclaimer: I officially disclaim POTO. So there.**

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Part 4

The Mirror

Phantom: Look at your face in the mirror. I am there inside.

Christine: (_Looks into mirror_) Oh my gosh!! There's a scary looking guy in my MIRROR! What do I do? Oh no! He's wearing a mask! That must mean he's some kind of serial killer or something! WHAT DO I DO?!?!

J.S.: CUT! Christine, calm down! Calm down! You're fine. It's only the Phantom in your mirror. Remember, that scene we rehearsed over and over again where he leads you through the mirror?

Christine: (_Hyperventilating_)

Raoul: Christine, don't worry. (_Runs up and hugs her_) Raouly's here to make it all better.

Christine: Oh, I'll be fine if it's Raouly. Now I remember that scene. Sorry for my little thing there. I'm fine now.

Raoul: Good, my wittle Chrissy-poo. Here's a teddy bear, in case you ever need emergency comfort.

Christine: Thanks! Wait a minute, did you tape a picture of your face on the front?

Raoul: (_Blushes and looks down_) Maybe.

Christine: Sometimes you're crazier than the Phantom.

Phantom: Oh, I'll fix that soon.

Everyone: (_Backs away slowly, trying not to make any sudden movements_)

Phantom: What?

J.S.: Um, I think it's time for, wait for it…wait for it… (_drumroll_) take 4! (_Cymbal crash_)

Christine: Wow, those special effects are getting really good. Now, if only I could get them to play my theme song…

J.S.: I said… TAKE 4!

Phantom: I think you need a vacation.

J.S.: (sobbing) I think you're right.

End of Music of the Night/ I Remember

(_Phantom lays down the fainted Christine_)

Phantom: Ooh, I like those stockings. I could definitely use them to patch up the holes in my dish towels. I'm sure she won't notice if I take them. (_Carefully takes off Christine's stockings_)

Stand-in director: (_Is too involved with the refreshment table to notice the theft_)

30 min. later

Christine: (_Wakes up and feels a cool breeze on her legs. Looks down_) Where did my stockings go? Phantom, what did you do?!

Phantom: (_Tries to look innocent_) Why do you always assume I'm behind the trouble?

Christine: Because you are.

Phantom: True, but still.

S-I Director: Why aren't you singing over there? What's going on? Aren't you supposed to be singing?

Christine: He stole my stockings.

Phantom: Did not!

Christine: Did too!

Phantom: Did not!

Christine: Did too!

S-I Director: Stop arguing like children and start singing!

Christine: I'll get you back. Those were my favorite stockings! Ha! I know! (_Reaches out and grabs Phantom's wig. Waves it just out of his reach._)

Phantom: Hey! Give it back! It's mine!

Christine: Not until I get my stockings.

Phantom: I think I lost them.

Christine: What?!

Phantom: Sorry.

S-I Director: Get back to your singing! Girl-

Christine: It's Christine.

S-I Director: As I was saying, girl, give the freaky masked weirdo his wig and sing!

Christine: But I don't even sing this song! And it's not all about singing.

S-I Director: Yes it is, this is a musical!

Phantom: (muttering) And they call him a director.

Why so Silent

(_Phantom's theme plays as all the masqueraders turn their heads to look at the staircase. Joel Schumacher is back from his vacation. It was abruptly terminated when the Phantom decided to kill the stand-in director. Everyone waits for the Phantom to show up._)

Christine: Where is he? Is he in that stupid hot tub again?

J.S.: He can't be, I burned it.

(_Phantom strides in from the side of the set_)

Phantom: Sorry I'm late. I lost track of time.

J.S.: (_stares_) Where's your mask? What happened to your face?

Phantom: Oh yeah. (_Runs a hand along the perfectly normal looking right side of his face_) Some girl caught me without my mask and gave me this. (_Holds up a bottle of sunscreen lotion_)

Raoul: Sunscreen lotion? You've got to be kidding me.

Christine: You hid under the opera house for years because of a sunburn?

Phantom: You already knew that. Oh wait, we haven't done that scene yet. Never mind.

J.S.: I hope you know that your actions have consequences.

Phantom: (_rolls his eyes_) I'm not a child.

J.S.: I know, but now you have to go through a very long and torturous make-up process.

Phantom: What?!

J.S.: Yes. After all, we haven't finished shooting the movie yet.

Phantom: (Mumbling) I hate sunscreen lotion.

Magical Lasso

Buquet: Like yellow parchment is his skin. A great black hole serves as the nose that… never grew!

Ballet rat 3: (_screams_)

Br 5: He doesn't look like that! I walked in on him one time when he didn't have his mask on and he didn't look anything like that. He had a nose and-

Madame Giry: Where, exactly, did you walk in on him? He doesn't just walk around with his mask off.

Br 2: (_blushes_) Um, he was in a room with tiles, and water, and towels…

Br 13: He was in the dormitories?

Br 2: What?! No!

Br 13: The coffee room?

Br 2: No.

Br 13: My dressing room? Oh my gosh! He was in my dressing room! (_Starts screaming and running around like a chicken with its head chopped off_)

Br: No! If you must know, he was in the showers.

Everyone: (_gasp_)

Br 21: (_stares_) You walked in on him in the showers?

Br 2: Yes! I just said that! But it _was_ a public shower room. How was I supposed to know he would stick his head out at that particular moment to grab soap?

Br 4: He uses soap? Huh. That must be why he smells so nice in this version of the story. I was in another version also, I can't remember which, and he smelled horrible! Almost like…like…death!

Br 3: (_faints_)

(_Phangirls suddenly appear from thin air and rush up to Ballet rat 2._)

Phan1: Did you see anything besides his face?

Phan2: Was he naked?

Br 2: (_shudders slightly_) How should I know? The curtains are really, really dark. Thankfully.

Phan3: You mean you didn't want to see him naked?

Br 2: Ew! No! You guys are starting to scare me. I wish you would leave.

Booming Disembodied Voice: Your wish is my command!

(_Phangirls disappear suddenly_)

Br 2: Thank you!

BDV: It was my pleasure.

(_J.S. suddenly detaches himself from the clump of chatting crew members_)

J.S.: Okay, why aren't you guys doing your scene? And how long have you been stalling? Wait, did we get that all on tape? CUT! Now, stop babbling and…(_cymbal crash_) take 6!

The Mirror ( Behind the Scenes)

(_Raoul walks out and shuts the door. Creepy music plays. All the candles are digitally blown out. Phantom and Madame Giry walk toward Christine's door_)

Madame Giry (whispering): You know, I really don't think it's necessary for you to lock her door. What will the girl do? Hear you singing to her then bolt out the door?

Phantom (also whispering): I wouldn't put it past her. The drugs I put in her candles might have some strange effects. I don't want to take any chances.

Mme. Giry: I can see where you might want to be cautious, but it seems a bit inhumane. Like locking a sleeping animal in a cage. What can it do?

Phantom (in an insulted whisper): How dare you compare Christine to an animal?

Mme. Giry: Wait, why am I standing here talking to you? I should tell the managers or someone. This could be dangerous.

Phantom: (_stops and glares at her_) Don't you dare report me. If you do, I will ensure of your disposal in the most unpleasant way possible.

Mme. Giry: Oh really. What are you going to do? Hang me? Yeah right. I'm the one who tells everyone else how to avoid your pathetic lassos.

Phantom: I learned a few things from that strange man proclaiming himself to be the Phantom as well. He came up with a contraption called a torture chamber. It involves mirrors, heating lamps, iron trees, and lassos. (_Laughs maniacally_)

Mme. Giry: (_turns white_)

Phantom: (_Grins evilly_) I knew you could be persuaded.

Don Juan

Piangi: (_Sings about switching places with his servant. I think. It's kind of hard to understand him. Both guys put on black masks and capes. Obviously this was written so the Phantom could switch places with Piangi._)

Phantom (offstage): Hey, pig! You put your cape on backwards!

Piangi: (_Blushes and fixes the cape_) Thank-a you-a!

J.S.: Cut! Phantom, why did you tell him that? You couldn't have just gone with the flow? I'm the one who tells people what to do. I'm the director! Me! Not you, me!

Phantom: Sheesh, I know. Sorry. Maybe I should have let you finish your vacation.

J.S.: Piangi, try to put your cape on the right way next time.

Piangi: Yes-a sir! (_Salutes_)

J.S.: (_smiles_) Now this is the kind of attention I like. Piangi, remind me to give you a raise.

Phantom: What?! I want a raise! Hold on a minute, you're not the one who pays people. How can you give raises?

J.S.: I'm the director. I know people.

Phantom: (_rolls his eyes_)

J.S.: Take 15!

(_They do the singing thing again_)

Phantom: Stop, stop. Piangi, you put the mask on backwards this time.

Piangi: Sorry.

Phantom: Well if I'm going to switch places with you, we have to resemble each other in some way. Despite the fact that I'm taller, thinner, a better singer, and not wearing all that makeup, we have to convince the fake audience that it's still you on stage.

J.S.: Phantom, you have to stop doing my job for me! It's starting to get annoying. You know, I think I'll gag you just in case.

Phantom: Gag me?!

J.S.: Oh, yes. Don't worry, it won't hurt. It's only a reeking, moldy piece of used washcloth. Used by Carlotta.

Phantom: (_Turns green and runs away_)

J.S.: Finally! He shut up! Now, where were we? Oh yeah, take 16!

Down Once More

Phantom: (_dragging Christine_) Down once more to the dungeons of my black despair. Down we plunge to the prison of my mind. Hold on, can we cut? Some of the makeup got in my eye.

J.S.: (_Sighs_) Fine. Cut. Makeup!

(_A makeup team rushes over, carrying their supplies with them. To show that they are a team, they're all wearing blue jerseys with yellow numbers on them. They begin fixing Phantom's makeup_)

Christine: (_sighs and taps her foot impatiently_) Hurry up! I'm getting bored. I wish you'd never discovered sunscreen lotion.

Phantom: I know how you feel. This makeup is really annoying. (_The makeup team finishes and scurries away_)

J.S.: All done? Good. Take 27!

Phantom: Down once more to the dungeons of my… I call a self-proclaimed cut! The makeup's coming off again.

J.S.: (_groans loudly_) I'm so sick of your stupid makeup issues! It's driving me crazy! I'm done with it! (_runs offstage. Returns several minutes later with a large plastic container of something_) Ha! Now I'll never have to deal with your makeup problems again! (_Throws the greenish liquid in Phantom's face._)

Phantom: Owww! It burns! What was that!?

J.S.: Acid! Ahahahahahahahhaha! (_continues laughing maniacally until he passes out from lack of air. Phantom wriggles around on the floor and yells until he passes out as well._)

Christine: (_Looks around_) I guess this means I get a break. Cool. (_Calmly steps over the unconscious forms on the floor and wanders offstage_)

Hannibal

Piangi: Sad to return to find the land we love threatened once more by Roma's far- reaching grasp.

J.S.: Cut! Piangi, once again, it's Rome. Not Roma. Repeat after me, Rome, Rome, Rome, Rome.

Piangi: Roma, Roma, Roma, Roma.

J.S.: (_sighs and throws hands in the air_) I give up. You're hopeless. We'll make this the last time then. Take 45!

(_Suddenly one of the elephants starts charging J.S. He screams like a little girl and runs away as fast as possible._)

Phantom: (_Chuckles darkly as he steps out from behind a curtain. He is wearing his mask again._) At last! I have my revenge!

We Have All Been Blind

Raoul, Andre, and Firmin: His reign will end!

J.S.: And that's a wrap! Good job. That was our last scene to shoot. Now we're done.

Raoul: We're done? Does that mean we're going to die? I don't want to die! I'm scared! (_sticks his thumb in his mouth and starts sucking on it._)

J.S.: No, you idiot! It means we're done shooting.

Andre: Yeah, the movie's over. We finished it. Yay us! Let's happydance! (_Grabs Firmin and starts happydancing_)

Raoul: Oh. What do we do now?

J.S.: I don't know. There's nothing left to do. It's over.

Phantom (offstage): It's over now, the music of the night!

J.S.: Exactly.

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**Remember, there _is _one more chapter. The holiday one. Please review! You all rock!**


	5. Part 5

**Okay, I know I said this was going to be the last part, but I started writing an extremely long blooper that is probably long enough to be it's own part. I didn't want to make this part too long. It's pretty long already. So, as I said, this is really the second to last part. The next one will be one long behind the scenes blooper. It will be a holiday one, though. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera (_Cries_) Hey, what's this? (_Picks up a dusty lamp off the ground_) I wonder of this is a genie lamp. Cool! I think I'll rub it. (_Rubs lamp. A genie pops up_) Yay! A genie! I get three wishes! Okay, I wish I owned Phantom of the Opera. (POOF!!) Ha! Now I own it. **

**(_Copyright laywers come up with handcuffs_) Wait! I wished for it off of a genie! It's really mine! (_Picks up lamp and examines bottom_) Wait a minute, this says it's only a replica lamp from e-bay. That's not fair! I want my money back! Oh yeah, I didn't pay anything. Never mind. I still own nothing.**

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Part 5

All I Ask of You: Winter Edition

(_Raoul rushes onto the set where everyone else was waiting for him_)

J.S.: Raoul, finally! You're here! We've been waiting.

Raoul: Oh, sorry. I got caught in traffic on the way back from Christmas shopping.

Phantom: Don't feel bad, it's only been _3 hours_ since we were planning to start shooting.

Raoul: (_Blushes_) Whoops.

Christine: I like your sweater. (_she points to his bright red and green sweater with reindeer prancing across the front_)

Raoul: Thanks! I saw it when I was shopping and I couldn't resist.

J.S.: (_moans_) Not another stupid Christmas sweater! The 3-D tree last week was too much. Please, Raoul, lay off the sweaters and get into your costume.

Raoul: (_pouts_) But I'm just trying to spread Christmas cheer! You guys are all party poopers. I bet you'll all get lumps of coal in your stockings. Except Christine, of course. She'll get all the presents she wants.

Christine: No I won't. I already got most of my presents.

Raoul: (confusedly) What? Christmas hasn't happened yet.

Christine: No, but Hanukah has.

Raoul: Oh.

J.S.: Can we move on? Raoul, go get in your costume now!

Raoul: (_Stomps off_) You won't even get coal!

J.S.: Like I care.

Phantom: You know, I wouldn't put it past him to sneak coal into your stocking just to prove his point.

J.S.: He doesn't know where I live.

Raoul: (_walks back in in his costume_) Yes I do. You sleep in someone's dressing room and your stocking is in the coffee room.

J.S.: (muttering under his breath) Apparently he does.

Raoul: Deck the halls with boughs of holly! Fa la la la la, la la la la! 'Tis the season to be jolly! Fa la la la la, la la la la! Now we don our-

Phantom: Shut up! Christmas is bad enough without you trying to spread holiday cheer!

J.S.: Yes, Raoul. Now, take 1!

Raoul: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose. And if you ever-

J.S.: Cut! Raoul, the words are: no more talk of darkness. Forget these wide-eyed-

Raoul: I know the words! Fine. No more talk of … jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!

J.S.: No! Stop singing Christmas carols and sing your song! I'm warning you, I know Santa.

(_Raoul's eyes widen_. _Phantom's roll_)

Raoul: You know Santa Claus? Can I meet him? I didn't get to sit on his lap this year.

Christine: (_wanders dangerously close to the edge of the roof_) I can see my house from here!

J.S.: Christine, get back over here before you fall.

Christine: Fine, but only if we get back to the take. I'm bored.

J.S.: (Sarcastically) Great idea Christine. Very original. Well people, you heard her. Take 2!

Final Lair Scene: Valentine's Day Edition

Christine (_sitting on top of Phantom's organ bench_): When is he going to be here? (_sighs_)

J.S. (_banging his head against the wall_): Who, Raoul or the Phantom?

Christine: Both of them! I'm bored. I don't have anything to do.

J.S.: Join the club.

(_Raoul and Phantom enter, both dressed head to toe in pink._)

Christine: (_stares_) What are you two wearing? And why is the Phantom in pink?

Phantom: Because it's Valentine's day, silly.

Christine: Okay…

Raoul: (Whispering to Christine) I snuck him some happy pills. He just seemed so depressed. After all, you need to be happy to be romantic on Valentine's Day.

Christine: Happy pills? (_backs away slowly_)

Phantom: Joel, I've joined the Men in Pink. I refuse to change.

J.S.: (_smacks himself with his hand_) Not again!

Phantom: (_giggles girlishly_) I'm going to go play with my dollies. See you later. (_Skips off_)

J.S.: Wait! Phantom, come back! We need to shoot the scene! (_chases after him_)

Christine: (_bats her eyelashes_) Raouly, will you rehearse the scene with me? I'm bored.

Raoul: (_Practically faints at Christine's expression_) Anything for you, Chrissie.

Christine: Come on! Let's do it! Okay, I'm over here, (_moves to one side of the lair_) we'll pretend that this is the Phantom, (_Balances a broom against the wall next to her_) and you're over by the gate thing.

Raoul: One of the lighting people told me it was called a portcullis.

Christine: Whatever. Anyway, get over by the gate thing. (_scoots him toward the gate_) Now, let's skip to the part where you come in.

Raoul: (_jumps up and down and claps his hands_) Oh goodie! We get to skip the Phantom's part! And I get to sing in my pink outfit! Yay! It's a dream come true!

Christine: Moving on… Remember, I've been waiting for the past four hours.

Raoul: Right. Sorry. Free her! Do what you like, only free her! Have you no pity?

Christine: (_hums Phantom's part_) Please Raoul it's useless.

Raoul: I love her! Does that mean nothing? I love her! Show some compassion!

J.S.: (_strolls in dragging Phantom by his bright pink shirt collar_) I'm back! We can do the take now.

Phantom: (_struggles until his collar rips off_) Not yet! I brought valentines! (_Passes out handmade valentines_)

Raoul: (reading aloud) I'll love you forever and always. Or at least until the happy pills wear off and I kill you. Uh-oh.

J.S.: (also reading aloud) You're the best director in the history of the world. That's what I say in front of your back, anyway. Happy Valentine's Day.

Christine: Um, I don't think I should read this out loud. Not in a PG fic.

J.S.: All right, let's move on now that we got that…slightly disturbing affair over with. Take 1!

Hannibal: Joel's Birthday Edition

(_All the performers in Hannibal mill around expectantly as they wait for J.S., who is an hour late, to show up_)

Christine (complaining to a dancer): Where is he? I'm getting tired of waiting around for hours for people. Men just don't know how to be punctual.

Dancer: (_Nods and adjusts her outfit, which is slipping down and causing all the men in the surrounding vicinity to stare_)

Carlotta (loudly): Bring-a me my-a coffee now! I-a need-a my-a coffee! Where ees eet?!

(_Suddenly a loud bang is heard from up in the rafters_)

Phantom (groggily): I'm up, I'm up. What do you want?

Dancer: (_giggles and decides to take advantage of the situation_) We want you to do the can-can.

Phantom: Okay. (_Stands up and does a very clumsy can-can, nearly falling off the rafters._) Was that good enough?

Dancer: Yes. You can go back to sleep now.

Phantom: Good. (_Lies down so that his head and legs are dangling off the edge of the rafters. He is soon snoring with his tongue hanging out._)

Christine: (_Giggles_) I know what we can do to keep ourselves occupied. We can throw stuff at his tongue. Like this. (_Takes part of an eraser and aims for Phantom's tongue. The eraser hits it and slides off. Christine giggles again. She and the dancer decide to have a contest over who can hit Phantom's tongue the most._)

Raoul (talking in his sleep): Christine, I want one too. I deserve a chocolate muffin as much as you do. Christine…Christine…muffin…muffin! (_Wakes up with a start and looks around._) Good. No evil muffins here.

(_Suddenly J.S. walks onto the set clutching a cup of coffee. He looks around at all the cast members in party hats._)

Everyone who is awake: Surprise! Happy birthday!

J.S.: What? You all came here to give me a surprise birthday party? That's why you wanted me here so early in the morning?

Andre: Yup. Aren't we nice?

J.S.: But it's three in the morning! The sun isn't even up yet!

Lefevre: So? We love you so much we wanted extra time for your party. We brought you presents. (_Points to a pile of gaily wrapped packages._)

J.S.: Oh, cool. (_Takes the nearest one and opens it._) Huh? 'The Phantom of the Opera'? By Gaston Leroux? Who's he? Oh, I get it. Someone wrote a book based on the play or something. Cool. Thanks whoever gave me this.

Voice offstage: No, you imbecile! That book was written years ago! In 1911! This is the book from which the play was based! This is the original!

J.S.: Sheesh! Sorry. I didn't mean to offend you or anything. I wasn't aware there was a book.

(_Erik walks out from behind a curtain and stares angrily at J.S._)

Erik: No wonder this movie is so painfully untrue. If you had read the book, there might have been at least a small chance my life would be properly represented. Alas, not yet. I have not yet met a filmmaker willing to follow the original book. The closest I got was with the silent film in 1925, and even that had flaws. I strongly suggest you read this book before you progress any further in this endeavor of yours.

J.S.: (_stares blankly_) Uh, okay. I guess I'll read it. That is what you were trying to say, right?

Erik: (_Slaps his hand to his forehead_) You're hopeless. I don't know why I even dared hope this could come close to what I would like. Let me put this in small words so you will understand. Your movie will never be as good as the book. Even if I suspected you could comprehend the book, reading it would not change a thing.

J.S.: So…I don't have to read the book?

Erik (as patiently as possible): No, you don't have to read the book.

J.S.: Then why did you give it to me?

Erik: Ugh! I give up. I'm leaving before Gaston comes to hunt me down. Au revoir. Forever. (_Walks offstage and disappears in a puff of smoke._)

J.S.: That was…different. He was insulting me, wasn't he?

Phantom: Yes. And with good reason.

J.S.: Oh. So, where are my other presents? We only have so long before the sun comes up and we have to start shooting!

Notes: Saint Patrick's Day Edition

Phantom: (voiceover) I will give you one last chance. (singing) Christine Daae has returned to you, and I am anxious her career should progress. In the new production of Il Muto you will therefore cast Carlotta as the pageboy and put Miss Daae in the role of countess. (Suddenly stops and loud cursing is heard from offstage where the Phantom is being filmed in his lair.)

J.S.: Cut! What is it? (_Walks to Phantom's lair and sees him wrestling with one of his dolls_) What are you doing?

Phantom: This doll's (_bleeping_) head won't (_bleeping_) come off because it's such a (_bleep_)!

Raoul: (_attempts to cover Christine's ears_)

Andre: Wow, I didn't know you had cable.

Phantom: Well no (_bleep_)!

J.S.: Please tell me we didn't get that on film. There's no way we'll be able to put that in a movie.

Phantom: You (_bleeping_) well won't be able to!

J.S.: (_sighs_) Raoul, please try to calm him down.

Raoul (whining): Why? I don't want to. It's St. Patrick's Day. I wouldn't even have come to work if Madame Giry hadn't bribed me with a penny.

J.S.: (_raises eyebrow_) A penny?

Raoul: It was shiny! Anyway, I don't want to help someone who doesn't know about the luck rule.

Phantom: (Somewhat calmed down) What luck rule?

Raoul: Oh, you know, the one where it says that if you curse on St. Patrick's day you get seven years of bad luck.

Phantom: I thought that was breaking a mirror.

Raoul: (_Thinks. Or at least puts a "thinking expression" on his face_) maybe you're right. Hey, you do that too! You're cursed! Aaaaahhh! (_runs around in circles yelling about curses_)

Phantom: Okay…

Christine: (_suddenly seems to come back from her own little "Christine World"_) Isn't the guy playing Raoul named Patrick?

Raoul: (_stops running_) What?

Christine: Yeah he is. You're lucky Raoul, you got a holiday named after you.

Raoul: I did?

Mme. Giry: (_appears out of nowhere in a puff of smoke_) No, you didn't. See, you're the fictional incarnation of the character Raoul as played by Patrick Wilson. You are not Patrick Wilson.

Raoul: What?

Mme. Giry: (_sighs_) You didn't have a holiday named after you.

Raoul: I know. I got that part but what about the rest. I'm fictional?

Mme. Giry: Yes. Now, before you get confused, here's a nice shiny quarter.

Raoul: Ooh! Shiny! Give me my shiny! (_grabs quarter and strokes it_) You are my shiny and I will call you Shiny. Don't worry Shiny, those evil people can't take you away from me. You're mine, my preciousssss.

Mme. Giry: Well at least he's occupied.

Christine: (_Walks up to Mme. Giry_) You're not wearing green.

Mme. Giry: So?

Christine (Sounding eerily zombie like) : You're supposed to wear green on St. Patrick's Day. Now I have to pinch you. (_Extends her hand threateningly, in a pinching shape_)

Mme. Giry: Uh-oh. (_Flees before Christine has a chance to pinch her. Christine moves on to Phantom._)

Christine (In zombie voice): You're not wearing any green either.

Phantom: Duh. I never wear green. I only wear black. Except for that one time Raoul gave me happy pills and I wore pink. (_shudders_)

Christine (Still in zombie voice): I have to pinch you.

Phantom: No you don't. (_Ducks around Christine and does something to the back of her dress._)

Christine: (_Stops moving_) Corset…too tight…Can't….breathe. (_Faints_)

Phantom: That wasn't too hard. Now, on with the scene.

J.S. (skeptically): Well, I guess we could try without Raoul. Andre? Firmin?

Firmin: Yeah, in a minute. (_Goes up and pinches Phantom on the arm_)

Phantom: (_Shrieks then crouches on the floor and starts rocking back and forth_)

J.S.: Well, I suppose we could try to shoot with just you two.

Andre: Wait a minute, isn't Carlotta supposed to be here?

J.S.: (_Shrugs_) Technically, she is. But she's too annoying so we decided to shoot without her. We're going to digitally add her in later. If you don't want to shoot, we can take a break.

Andre and Firmin (at the same time): Break.

* * *

**Please review! I love reviews. I love people who review. They let me know if my story's good or not. So, review and be prepared for special guest stars in part 6. That's all I'll tell you.**


	6. Part 6

**This is realy the last chapter. It was added so soon after my recent update because I had already started writing it when I realized how long it would be. This chapter is pretty different. It's all behind the scenes and doesn't really relate much to the actual movie. I'd really like to know how you like this. If you think it's awful, let me know and I apologize in advance. If you love it, please review and let me know. I hope I made someone happy.**

**Note: PChristine and PRaoul are Sarah Brightman Christine and Steve Barton Raoul. The P stands for play. MPhantom is Michael Crawford Phantom. The M can stand for pretty much anything, but mostly it stands for musical, since two ps would look awkward.**

**Disclaimer: I own absoutely nothing. Not even solitaire.**

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Part 6

Behind the Scenes: Fourth of July

(_Everyone is lounging around on old-fashioned couches imported from assorted living spaces. J.S. is nowhere to be seen_)

Christine: For once I'm glad men don't know how to be punctual. It's such a hot day I don't want to be shooting.

Raoul: Yeah, I know what you mean. (_Returns to his Solitaire game_) Hey, servant, I'd like some more lemonade.

Andre: Get me some too.

Carlotta: And-a me-a!

Cameraman in shirt that says "Servant": (_Grumbles_) Fine. Anyone else. (_No one answers_) Good. If anyone had responded I would have tricked Phantom into killing you.

Phantom: (_Looks up_) What? You called me?

Cameraman: Nothing.

Phantom: Oh. (_Goes back to his sheet of construction paper_) Hey, can someone help me with this? I'm trying to make cut-out people and it's not working.

Mme. Giry: I'll see what I can do to help. (_Walks over_) No wonder it's not working. You're using the wrong hand.

Phantom: (_Looks down at his hands_) Oh, that explains it. (_Switches hands and starts cutting out people_) Hey, this is a lot easier. That's the last time I let that other Phantom show me how to make cut-out people.

Christine: He's back? Cool. Does that mean the other Christine's back too. I like her.

Phantom: I don't know. I like her too. She thinks I'm hot.

Raoul: I couldn't care less who's here as long as that other Raoul's not back. I didn't like him. And he had bad hair.

(_LChristine, LRaoul, and Erik come walking in from behind a curtain_)

GL: We just wanted to say good-bye and wish your movie luck at the box office.

Erik (mumbling audibly): It needs all the luck it can get.

LChristine: Erik! Is that any way to talk to such nice people? (_Bats her eyelashes flirtatiously at Phantom_)

Erik: (_Puts up his hands in a gesture of defense_) I didn't say anything.

LChristine: Yes you did!

Erik: Well they didn't hear it.

LChristine: (_Considers_) Well, I suppose you could get away with it as long as the hot Phantom's feelings aren't hurt. Hot Phantom, are your feelings hurt?

Phantom: Huh?

LChristine: I guess it's okay.

LRaoul: Where's the coffee?

Andre: (_Eyes him oddly_) You want coffee on a day like this?

Christine: He's addicted to coffee.

Andre: Oh.

Raoul: It's in the kitchen. (_Realizes who he's talking to_) Oh no! He's back! He's gonna make me look bad! And he has bad hair!

LRaoul: (Deeply insulted) How dare you make fun of my hair? It's far better than yours will ever be.

New Voice: You're both wrong! My hair's the best! (_A man walks onstage flipping his hair. He's wearing a shirt advertising the London version of the musical. (_PRaoul))

LRaoul: Who are you and where did you get that shirt?

PRaoul: I found it. Do you like it?

Raoul: Ew, no. It's hideous.

LRaoul: I agree.

PRaoul: (_pouts_)

LRaoul: Well, who are you?

PRaoul (in a slightly whiney voice): I'm Raoul from the original London production.

LRaoul: The what?

Raoul: I think he means the play. Do you mean the play?

PRaoul (still whining): Yes.

Phantom: Oh stop whining already. I think the two fops should say they like his shirt.

Raoul: Do we have to?

Erik: (_Pulls out Punjab lasso and tightens it threateningly._) I suggest you do.

All three Raouls: (_gulp_)

LRaoul and Raoul: Fine, we like your shirt.

PRaoul: Yay! So what is there to do around here? I'm bored.

Raoul: I could teach you how to play solitaire.

PRaoul: Cool. Let's do that.

LRaoul: I'm going to look for a hair stylist to judge our hair.

PRaoul and Raoul: (_Ignore him_)

Raoul: Okay, so first you lay out the cards like this…

Phantom: If there are three of them, does that mean there are three of us?

Erik: Hmm, it could be possible.

Phantom: Do you think the other one's as cool as we are?

Erik: You? Cool? Hardly. I certainly hope he's no worse than you.

Phantom: (_pouts_)

Erik: Oh great, here we go again.

Christine: Hey, other Christine, what do you want to do?

LChristine: Hmm, I don't know. I was thinking maybe we could…play hide and seek.

Christine: Hide and seek?

LChristine: Yes! It's so much fun! We should go down to the hot Phantom's lair and see what kind of hiding places he has. I've tried playing it in Erik's lair, which has plenty of good hiding spots, but he never wants to play with me. I tried playing it with a few of the ballet rats once, but Erik caught us and they freaked out.

Christine: Okay…I guess I'll play with you.

LChristine: Yay! Oh, we should see if we can find another Christine. You know, like the other Raoul.

Christine: That sounds like it could be interesting. But I don't think we should play hide and seek if she doesn't want to.

LChristine: (_Pouts_) Fine. Let's go! (_Grabs Christine's hand and the two skip off._)

Phantom: Your Christine likes hide and seek?

Erik: Er, yes. I tried several times to introduce her to more mature games, but it didn't quite work out. She couldn't always grasp the point. She always was a bit simpleminded.

Phantom: (_Nods in understanding_) I know what that's like. My Christine's kind of stupid sometimes too. I think Raoul's a bad influence on her.

Erik: Perhaps you should…remove him.

Phantom (dismissively): Tried it. I always got caught.

Erik: Too bad.

Phantom: Yeah.

(_The two sit in silence for several minutes. Suddenly they heard humming coming form the distance. Phantom's head jerked up._)

Phantom: Hey, he's humming one of _my_ songs! He's humming Music of the Night! At least I think it's a he. His voice is kind of high…

Erik: Of course it's a man! Just because you can't reach the high notes in your songs doesn't mean it's impossible. In fact, he's much better than you.

Phantom: Hey!

Erik: Well, you are a bit low to be singing for me.

Phantom: I resent that. By the way, you taught me how to make paper cut-out people wrong. It didn't work because you showed me using the wrong hand.

Erik (lightly): Oh, did I?

Phantom: Yeah, and it was hard. Thank goodness for Madame Giry. Otherwise, I would have been so confused.

Erik: The box keeper corrected your mistake?

Phantom: Box keeper? Oh, we must be having that different version thing again.

Erik: Oh, I forgot about that.

Phantom: What happened to that other guy?

Erik: I don't know. He may have wandered off somewhere.

Voice from offstage: Or he may be behind the curtain.

(_Phantom and Erik walk up to the curtain and pull it back. A man resembling Phantom is standing there. (_MPhantom_) He waves at them cheerfully_)

Phantom: Who are you, why do you look like me, and why are you so happy?

MPhantom: Aren't you full of questions. Fortunately, I have some answers. Let's see, I'm the Phantom from the original musical, I'm an earlier version of you, and I'm happy because I finally found someone halfway intelligent. I was trapped in a room with two Raouls for a while. (_Shudders slightly_) Although I did find out some quite valuable information from them, so perhaps it wasn't all bad…

Erik: Was that you humming earlier.

MPhantom: Yes, it was.

Erik: Finally! Someone who can actually sing! I trust the Raouls told you about the slight variations between our versions and such. Well, I'm the original Phantom. From the original book. My name is Erik. I'm very glad there is someone portraying me who can sing decently.

MPhantom: Thank you.

Phantom: (_Pouts a bit, then comes up with an idea_) I think we should have a singing contest.

Erik: No. The Raouls are doing that with their hair and I don't want to do anything that resembles something they would do.

MPhantom: Their hair? Really?

Phantom: Unfortunately, yes.

MPhantom: (_Twitches slightly_) Well, I still think a singing contest would be a capital idea.

Erik: (_Sighs_) Very well. But I'm not singing. I'll be a judge.

Phantom: Perfect. I can finally show that I CAN sing.

Erik: I doubt it will work out that way, but I'll humor you. You may begin.

MPhantom: What do we sing?

Erik: Oh, I suppose you should sing the same thing. Well…you can figure it out yourselves.

Phantom: I think we should sing Past the Point of No Return. It's my favorite. I also like most of the other songs.

MPhantom: I'd rather sing something else, but we can sing your song.

Phantom: (_smiles smugly_) Ha. I won.

Erik: What are you talking about? The contest hasn't even started yet.

Phantom: No, I won the song contest.

Erik: What song contest?

Phantom: Never mind. I'll go first. (_Begins singing while MPhantom looks on in slight amusement. Erik examines his fingernails, then adjusts his cloak, then straightens his hat, then fixes his mask, then resorts to tapping his foot lightly. When Phantom finishes, he looks greatly relieved._)

Erik: (_Nods in MPhantom's direction._) You're next. Please make this worth my time.

MPhantom: I'll definitely try. (_Performs the song while Erik listens closely and Phantom stands around pretending he wasn't worried. He finishes._)

Erik: Much better. The winner of this contest is the play Phantom.

Phantom: What?! I was much better! You're biased. It wasn't a fair contest. I'm leaving. (_Turns on his heel and strides off while purposefully exaggerating his cloak swishes._)

Erik: How was I biased? It was a perfectly fair contest.

MPhantom: He is rather odd. You say he's in a new movie based upon the musical?

Erik: Yes. I don't plan on seeing this new movie when it reaches theaters. From what I've seen, it won't be worth the ticket.

MPhantom: I see. So, what's there to do around here? Surely you have something other than solitaire to occupy yourselves with.

Erik: I suppose we could use the computers. They're quite advanced.

MPhantom: You don't say. I'd like to see these computers. Where I'm from, computers are rather large.

Erik: Well I assure you, these are much smaller. You really must see some of the stuff on the internet.

MPhantom: That sounds entertaining.

Erik: They're right this way. (_Turns and heads down a hallway, leading MPhantom._)

(_Just as they leave, a woman with curly brown hair enters the room. (_PChristine_) She looks around._)

PChristine: Hello?! Is anyone there?!

(_Raoul and PRaoul come out of the side room they were in. PRaoul immediately rushes up to her._)

PRaoul: Christine! I'm so glad I found you!

PChristine: Raoul! (_Hugs him tightly. Looks over at Raoul._) Who's he? Is it a he?

PRaoul: This is Raoul.

PChristine: No, you're Raoul. There can't be two of you.

Raoul: Three, actually.

PChristine: What? What's he talking about?

PRaoul: Well, it seems that different versions of us have been brought together.

PChristine: Huh?

PRaoul: I'll explain to you later.

(_Phantom casually strolls in_)

Phantom: What happened to the other Phantoms? I've decided to forgive them.

PChristine: Angel! (_runs up and hugs him_)

Phantom: What? You look like Christine, but you're much too old.

PChristine: (_Pulls away_) Excuse me? I'm perfectly young.

Phantom: Are you another Christine?

Raoul: Yes she is.

Phantom: Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean to insult you or anything.

PChristine: I forgive you. Who were you looking for?

Phantom: The other two Phantoms.

PChristine: Is my angel one of them?

Phantom: Yes. And he's not a better singer than me!

Raoul: Where did that come from?

Phantom: (_blushes_) Never mind.

PRaoul: Ooh! I know! I know! Pick me! Pick me! (_Jumps up and down with his hand up_)

Phantom: Okay, where are they?

PRaoul: (_Stands_ _up_ _tall_ _and looks proud_) I heard them planning to go on the computers.

Phantom: Thanks. See you later. (_Runs off_)

PChristine: What's with him?

PRaoul: I don't know.

Phantom: (_Runs into the computer room and sees both other Phantoms deeply immersed in their computer activities._) What are you doing?

Erik: (_Looks up in surprise_) Oh, hello. I didn't expect you to be done pouting so soon. I'm just reading a bit.

Phantom: Reading what? (_Goes over and reads address bar_) I've been there before. I like to dream what it will be like when people write stories about me.

Erik: High hopes there. What makes you think people will write about you.

Phantom: Because I'm so handsome.

Erik: (_Rolls eyes_) I hope you know that you're not supposed to be handsome.

Phantom: Whatever. What's he doing? (_Points to MPhantom who has headphones plugged into his computer._)

Erik: I'm not quite sure. He mentioned something about a you tube.

Phantom: You Tube? Oh, I like that website. It plays videos online.

Erik: Interesting.

MPhantom: Brilliant! I love that one! (_Takes off his headphones_) Oh, welcome back, Phantom.

Phantom: Aren't you going to rub in the fact that you beat me in the singing contest?

MPhantom: Why? I wouldn't get any satisfaction from that.

Phantom: (_Looks surprised_) Oh. Well, that's nice of you.

MPhantom: Who says I'm not a nice person?

Erik: This is getting a bit too sentimental for me. I'd like to move on. Who's with me?

Phantom: I am. He's kind of scaring me with his niceness.

Erik: It may be because he just watched a sappy video. Blame You Tube.

Phantom: How'd you know what he was watching?

Erik: (_shrugs_) I kept glancing over at his screen when the stories got boring.

Phantom: Oh. I'm bored. I don't feel like doing stuff on the computer. Erik, entertain me.

Erik: Why me?

Phantom: Because you're not being sickeningly sweet right now.

MPhantom (sarcastically): Excuse me, I believe I've moved on now. You may now speak to me without fear of being treated politely.

Phantom: (_Totally misses the sarcasm_) Good. That was getting annoying.

Erik: (_Rolls his eyes_) Fine. Let's do arts and crafts.

Phantom: Yay! Arts and crafts!

MPhantom (mouthing): Arts and crafts?

Erik (mouthing): Play along. It keeps him happy.

Phantom: Where's the art stuff. I want to make lanyards.

MPhantom: (S_norts_)

Erik: (_Raises an eyebrow underneath his mask_) All right, I'll get the lanyard stuff.

Phantom: Yay! (_Watches eagerly as Erik goes to a cupboard and brings out a box full of art supplies._)

Erik: Here. (_Hands Phantom lanyard string_)

Phantom: (_Grabs the string and tries unsuccessfully to start his lanyard._) Help, I can't get my lanyard started.

Erik (impatiently): Oh come on already. (_Snatches lanyard supplies and starts lanyard_) I trust you know how to do the rest.

Phantom: Yep. (_Takes lanyard and eagerly begins working on it_)

MPhantom: So, what do we do now? Do we have to do arts and crafts as well? Please don't make me make lanyards.

Erik: Don't worry, it needn't go that far. But I suppose we should play along. There are plenty of other options. You could draw Christine.

MPhantom: Now there's a bright idea. I'll consider it. Any other options?

Erik: You could make paper cut-out people, you could paint Christine, you could make Popsicle stick creations-

MPhantom: Paper cut-out people? Popsicle sticks?

Erik: (_Gestures to Phantom_) His ideas, not mine.

MPhantom: I'll take the Christine option. May I see the paper and a pencil?

Erik: Canvas or sketch paper?

MPhantom: I suppose I'll take the sketch paper.

Erik: (_Hands over the sketch paper_) I'll do the canvas then. (_Both start working_)

Phantom: I think I ran out of string. Erik, can I have some more?

Erik: I'm not your nursemaid! Get your own string!

Phantom: (_Whimpers_) Okay. (_Looks over at the other Phantoms_) You're both doing it wrong.

MPhantom: What are you talking about? Just because we're not drawing your Christine, doesn't make our ways wrong.

Phantom: Huh? Oh yeah, you're not drawing my Christine. I didn't notice that.

Erik: Then what were you talking about?

Phantom: Oh, come on. You should know. You're the one who taught me the wrong way to make cut-out people.

Erik: No, I don't know what you're talking about! Why don't you get on with it and enlighten us both?!

Phantom: Sorry. I was just going to tell you you were using the wrong hand.

MPhantom: _That _was your great piece of advice?! You nearly made me mess up on Christine's eyebrow! That's a very delicate area! Just because you're right-handed doesn't mean everyone else is!

Phantom: (_Slowly backs away from the enraged Phantoms_) I really didn't mean to make you mess up or anything. I just thought my advice from Madame Giry could be useful…

Erik: I don't care! Just shut up and get back to your lanyard!

Phantom: (_Obeys silently_) (muttering) You guys are weird.

(_Suddenly the door opens and all three Raouls walk in._)

PRaoul: Great news! We all tied in the hair competition!

Phantom: (Still in a bad mood) And I should care because…

Raoul: Because now we're happy!

LRaoul: And we like it when we're happy.

Raoul: Ooh! Are you doing arts and crafts?

Phantom: Yes. A word of advice, don't disturb the left-handed posse over there. (_Points to Erik and MPhantom_) If you make them mess up on their drawings they yell at you. Loudly.

MPhantom: Yelling is generally loud.

Phantom: I knew that, I just wanted to accentuate my point. Don't bother them. They get sarcastic too.

PRaoul: I think we all knew that. Ooh! Paint! (_Runs up and grabs a piece of paper and some multicolored paint_)

LRaoul: Don't you need a paintbrush?

PRaoul: Not for finger painting.

LRaoul: Hey! Popsicle sticks! I'm going to make a log cabin!

Raoul: Okay… Oh my gosh! It's aluminum foil! It's so shiny!

Phantom: They got occupied rather quickly.

Erik: All Raouls are easily distracted by pretty things. That's one of the reasons they like Christine.

Phantom: Oh. Speaking of Christine, has anyone seen them? Are they done playing hide and seek yet?

MPhantom: Hide and seek?

Erik: They can't always handle more complicated games. They would probably like arts and crafts, though.

MPhantom: Brilliant! I'll call them. Christine! Christine! Come to your angel of music!

PChristine and Christine: Angel!!! (_Run out of various hiding places and into the arms of their respective Phantoms_)

Raoul: Hey, what about us?

PRaoul: Yeah. We're better than they are.

Phantom: I think I'll leave that remark unanswered for now. How do we get the other Christine? She doesn't know any lyrics.

Erik: I'll take care of this.

LRaoul: No, I'll take care of it!

Erik: I will!

LRaoul: I will!

Erik: No, I will!

MPhantom: Give it up already. You sound like children. Here's an idea, you can both try to retrieve Christine. Erik can go first since the other Phantoms went first.

LRaoul: That's not fair!

MPhantom: Life's not fair. Erik…

Erik: (_Begins to sing for Christine. Soon everyone around finds themselves oddly dazed and doesn't notice when LChristine walks in, in trance of course_) I told you I could take care of it.

(_It takes a few minutes for everyone to return to reality._)

Phantom: Oh… yeah.

PRaoul: Good…job. (_Nearly falls into his paint_)

Erik: Christine, it's arts and crafts time. What would you like to do?

LChristine: I want to make jewelry!

Christine: Me too!

PChristine: Me three!

Erik: I think that's a wonderful idea. The jewelry supplies are in the box.

Christine: Yay! Jewelry! (_All three run over and take out the jewelry supplies. They sit down and begin chatting away and stringing together beads._)

MPhantom: Splendid, now we have actual models.

Erik: It was a rather ingenious plan. (_The two return to their drawings_)

Phantom: Stop bragging.

Erik: I'd prefer not to.

(_Suddenly J.S. walks in. He's covered in red, white, and blue and has an American flag pinned to his hat and shirt._)

J.S.: Happy Fourth of July!

Everyone: What?

J.S.: (_Groans_) You know, the fourth of July, the day the Declaration of Independence was signed…

MPhantom: You do remember we're all French, correct?

J.S.: Well, you two (_points to MPhantom and PChristine_) sound British, you three (_points to PRaoul, Christine and Raoul_) sound American, you (_points to Phantom_) sound Scottish, and you three (_Points to Erik, LChristine, and LRaoul_) are the only ones who actually sound French though you (_points to Erik_) seem to have a bit of a British accent as well. It's all really confusing.

Erik: Yes, that's from the actors and actresses who portray those of us who aren't from the original book. We are all French. I only sound British from hanging around him. (_Points to MPhantom_)

MPhantom: Sure, blame me. You had that accent before I came.

Erik (sarcastically): Right.

J.S.: Well, I suppose we'd better get back to shooting since today isn't very important for most of us. The rest of you should go.

MPhantom: You're right. Come on, everyone from the London production follow me! (_He leads the trio away in a puff of smoke. Erik, LChristine, and LRaoul also disappear. The remaining cast looks longingly after them._)

(_Finally Christine speaks up, breaking the silence._)

Christine: Well, at least it was fun.

* * *

**It's over. Like I said, I'd really like to know how you all liked my story. I appreciate everyone who reviewed. I hope you enjoyed it! **


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